Lets Start a Campaign

It had been a strange end to the week. I was delighted to discover that the very charming Clare Balding had joined Twitter. I then felt rather guilty at my own joy when I discovered that she had joined, initially, to vent her anger at a recent review of her programme, ‘Britain by Bike’. I shall not summarise the aforementioned review and ongoing tarrididdle it can be found here http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2010/07/homophobia_appa

Then on Saturday morning I was astounded to see (via Twitter again. I know I should get out more!) that ‘The Sun’ had an article stating that the young Joe McElderry had decided to announce he was gay. Do not get me wrong here, I have absolutely NO problem with young Joe being gay. None whatsoever. What I have a real problem with is the link between both stories. Joe should not have to ‘announce’ his sexuality and Ms Balding should not have to read disparaging comments and witness name calling in relation to her sexuality (apparently in the name of humour; I don’t see many people laughing by the way). We live in an accepting society. Like hell we do! And more importantly, I truly cannot get my head around what anyone’s sexuality has to do with anything (with the obvious exceptions where that sexual orientation is illegal and or/harmful to other non-consenting humans).

I do not introduce myself in the following way, ‘Hi, I am Mary, I am rather frustrated heterosexual due to the fact I work too hard, don’t take enough holidays and live in a house that resembles a drop in centre for teenagers, nice to meet you’. Why don’t I? Because no one gives a damn (apart from my husband of course) it is completely irrelevant to anything I do. Can you imagine the meeting of Commonwealth Leaders, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Mr Cameron, quite obviously, as can been seen by his wife’s current condition, an active heterosexual’. It would be bloody ludicrous and stir up a right box of frogs.

Humans should be judged by their human content in terms of compassion, kindness and inspirational characteristics. What they do in the privacy of their own bedroom/kitchen/stairway is no one else’s concern. To carry on this outrageous behaviour by silly name calling and innuendo is far more revealing about the ‘journalist’ concerned (and his arrogant Editor) than the article is about Ms Balding’s sexuality. Joe McElderry is a young man and I understand why he ‘came out’, he did it to prevent being ‘outed’ under embarrassing circumstances at some later date. He is 19 years old! What sort of society are we creating?

I know! From now on, we must all introduce ourselves to people at parties/BBQ’s/Parent’s Evenings/on the train etc, by clearly stating our sexual preferences. If we proceed down this line of approach I reckon in 12 months both of the articles I refer to, will be completely pointless as everyone will know everything about everyone. In this way we can get back to the true grass roots of judging our fellow humans – by character, personality and talent. I can’t wait to see my post man’s face on Monday morning when I start my new campaign.

Every Cloud and All That

I tweeted this morning about depression. Not sure what possessed me. It was uplifting to discover than quite a few online friends were supportive of my comments. I could sense that many of them knew precisely what I was feeling. Beneath the elation, there was a brief moment of sadness.

All of my adult life I have battled with depression. Do not get me wrong, I am not a miserable, down beat sort of a soul. I positively love life and like to think I have an optimistic and humorous view of the world. The problem with depression is it creeps up on you, grapples you to the ground and stamps on your head. Usually when you least expect it. It IS the ghost of darkness and lurks constantly in the recesses of your mind. It has taken a lot of soul searching and watching my response to certain triggers for me to learn to ‘manage’ my depression. That is what I do. I manage it. I don’t control it, I don’t cure it, and I don’t expect it to completely disappear. In earlier years, I battled long and hard. It became a personal challenge to become depression free forever. It was pointless and I accepted that this is just the way I am and that I cannot remove it. I learnt to live with it. The lows can last hours/days/weeks or very occasionally (thank goodness) months.

I call these days my grey days. It can be the brightest, sunniest day but to me the sun is dull, the green of trees and grass is not as bright, I can’t smell the fresh grass, or soil that has just had rain on it. I feel like an ice cube is wedged in my brain. I flit from one job to another, never concentrating on anything and I just want to curl up in a ball in the dark. Everything is a struggle, even deciding what to wear or when to have a shower (if I can even bothered to!). I set myself tiny, tiny challenges each day, one very small step at a time and eventually I get to the end of the day. I try to congratulate myself when I go to bed that I have got through the day, this isn’t easy when you feel like even the simplest tasks have been equivalent of a climbing the north face of the Eiger in a wet suit carrying a tonne of bricks on your back!

These days I ensure I make the time to make time for myself. I grow flowers, veggies and herbs, I bake, I read a fair amount, oh and I use Twitter! My husband is brilliant, how he puts up with me sometimes is beyond me, the first husband never managed it! When I feel I am retreating into myself I MAKE myself visit a friend, a neighbour or spend time with the children.

I have tried medication, it make me angry! I am used to my brain churning over nonsensical things and most of the time I enjoy its busy whirring. I cannot cope with the cotton wool head medicine gives me it is a dreadful feeling. St Johns Wort has been my salvation on many occasions, I know its medicine but at least it is natural and seems to work … sometimes!

I rarely speak about my depression. I try and hide it. I don’t speak about it because even after all these years I feel a bit of a failure. I get incensed when I hear people talk about depression and say, ‘why can’t you just snap out of it, it’s not as bleak as you make it out to be’. It is that bleak. Do you not think if we could ‘snap out’ of it, we would? Imagine how useful and less stressful that would be. When I am at the bottom of my pit of despair, I see you, I hear you and trust me, I am trying to claw my way out of the bottomless pit of dark, clinging, blackness that can and sometimes does, convince me I am mad!

The best thing about depression? When the light comes on, the sun shines SO bright, the flowers smell great and the birds sing such sweet, enthusiastic songs and you KNOW that life is great. You KNOW every day is an adventure. You KNOW that your family and friends love you. You KNOW that all is well in your own little world. If you suffer depression, don’t be afraid to talk about it. You are not mad you are just a bit different at this moment in your life and there are a quite a few of us out there. It does get better; in fact, when you come out of your tunnel the light can blind you. Keep Smiling :O)