I laid my soul out on a piece of A4 paper this week. I opened myself up for judgement (financially) by a man sitting in an office. I didn’t want to do it. I was backed into a corner. Slowly manipulated, I knew it was happening but I was powerless to stop it.
I was excruciatingly embarrassed. I felt humiliated. I felt powerless to control the outcome of my soul bearing. Deep inside there was the ember of some long burnt out fire. A message. A memory from the past. It had been stuffed into an old brown envelope and filed away into the recesses of a drawer in my head. I was fighting for my child and her right to the education I know could influence the path of her life.
At Christmas, I was told by my ex-husband's new wife that he couldn’t afford to contribute as much as necessary to send his daughter to the school she dreams of attending. I was informed, that if I was so set on her going to the school I should, ‘contribute financially’. OUCH! The kick delivered from that mule, hit the mark. I guess being a career woman, who professes to never wanting children; she doesn’t see my point of view. For ten years, in place of maintenance, my ex husband has contributed towards their education, he doesn’t pay all the fees but that is another story for another time. I gain nothing financially and never have from this arrangement.
I mucked up my education. I wasn’t a bad scholar, I was a rebel (well, in my head I was!). I didn’t enjoy education. I fought, silently, in my head against teachers, my parents, learning and the bullies who made my life a misery. I vowed from the day each of my children were born, that I would encourage my children to love learning. I have had a life of missed chances, opportunities and recognition. I don’t want that for them. I love my life, I have very few regrets but it would have been different if I had learnt to love learning at a younger age. Ironically, as soon as I left school I couldn’t learn enough; art, history, music, I devoured it.
So, a decision was made to apply for a ‘discount’ by my ex husband and the financial situation forms duly arrived for me to complete. It didn’t take long to complete them; there wasn’t much to say really. I don’t have much in financial terms, apart from our business and a mortgage!
That was when the pain kicked in. ‘It didn’t take long’ and all it did was reinforce the fact that I should have learnt to learn at school. I had gone full circle. In that circle, I had waded through a maelstrom of inadequacy, embarrassment and humiliation. I was wracked with regret for the education I scorned. I felt inadequate. I know I have a good and agile brain but my lack of proof and a marriage, that involved many moves, did nothing to help my career in the earlier years. Now I feel I am playing ‘catch up’ and the financial gains are not what they would have been had I started on my chosen journey earlier in life.
I cried with humiliation and frustration, at first they were silent tears then they became a wave of misery, a veritable tsunami. I do not want any of my children to feel these emotions. My youngest loves learning, she lives to read; novels, facts, study books and poetry. She reads an average of 2 to 3 books a week and loves writing. The final five years of her education are as important as the years that have gone before. I don’t expect her to be a genius, I just want to her continue loving words, music, art, science and the knowledge they instill. What she chooses to do with her education is for her to decide but I must do whatever necessary to give her the best chance. We will see.
I was excruciatingly embarrassed. I felt humiliated. I felt powerless to control the outcome of my soul bearing. Deep inside there was the ember of some long burnt out fire. A message. A memory from the past. It had been stuffed into an old brown envelope and filed away into the recesses of a drawer in my head. I was fighting for my child and her right to the education I know could influence the path of her life.
At Christmas, I was told by my ex-husband's new wife that he couldn’t afford to contribute as much as necessary to send his daughter to the school she dreams of attending. I was informed, that if I was so set on her going to the school I should, ‘contribute financially’. OUCH! The kick delivered from that mule, hit the mark. I guess being a career woman, who professes to never wanting children; she doesn’t see my point of view. For ten years, in place of maintenance, my ex husband has contributed towards their education, he doesn’t pay all the fees but that is another story for another time. I gain nothing financially and never have from this arrangement.
I mucked up my education. I wasn’t a bad scholar, I was a rebel (well, in my head I was!). I didn’t enjoy education. I fought, silently, in my head against teachers, my parents, learning and the bullies who made my life a misery. I vowed from the day each of my children were born, that I would encourage my children to love learning. I have had a life of missed chances, opportunities and recognition. I don’t want that for them. I love my life, I have very few regrets but it would have been different if I had learnt to love learning at a younger age. Ironically, as soon as I left school I couldn’t learn enough; art, history, music, I devoured it.
So, a decision was made to apply for a ‘discount’ by my ex husband and the financial situation forms duly arrived for me to complete. It didn’t take long to complete them; there wasn’t much to say really. I don’t have much in financial terms, apart from our business and a mortgage!
That was when the pain kicked in. ‘It didn’t take long’ and all it did was reinforce the fact that I should have learnt to learn at school. I had gone full circle. In that circle, I had waded through a maelstrom of inadequacy, embarrassment and humiliation. I was wracked with regret for the education I scorned. I felt inadequate. I know I have a good and agile brain but my lack of proof and a marriage, that involved many moves, did nothing to help my career in the earlier years. Now I feel I am playing ‘catch up’ and the financial gains are not what they would have been had I started on my chosen journey earlier in life.
I cried with humiliation and frustration, at first they were silent tears then they became a wave of misery, a veritable tsunami. I do not want any of my children to feel these emotions. My youngest loves learning, she lives to read; novels, facts, study books and poetry. She reads an average of 2 to 3 books a week and loves writing. The final five years of her education are as important as the years that have gone before. I don’t expect her to be a genius, I just want to her continue loving words, music, art, science and the knowledge they instill. What she chooses to do with her education is for her to decide but I must do whatever necessary to give her the best chance. We will see.
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